


I Don't Want What You Have, I Wanna Be You.

by peachiexxx



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: DREAM SMP SPOILER WARNING!!!, Dave | Technoblade and Wilbur Soot and TommyInnit are Siblings, Depression, No Beta read we die like men, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide Attempt, Trigger warnings:, a whole lotta angst, maybe i'll continue this at some point..., set after dream blows up logstedshire and leaves, theres some. dark themes.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:07:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28138905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachiexxx/pseuds/peachiexxx
Summary: Logstedshire's gone. Dream's gone. Tubbo's gone.Maybe Tommy could go forward with his plans with a less heavy heart.title is from brutus by the buttress
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 232





	I Don't Want What You Have, I Wanna Be You.

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT!!!  
> trigger warnings for:  
> suicide attempt/suicidal thoughts  
> stockholm syndrome  
> a whole lot of depression

If the night sky was a song, it’d be a hysterical one. Burning white holes tearing apart the generic gloom of the sky. So many small, seemingly insignificant little stars, but all uniquely blazing and screaming and flaring. Truly, if the sky was a ballad, it’d be a tragic one.

If that was the case, though, why were nights so gloomy?

Dark, dark, and darker. That’s how the night went. It was the natural progression of the sky to slowly grow more and more inky as the sun bid farewell to it’s earthly captives. Once it was gone, then the stars could speak. They could voice their calamitous tale, no longer overpowered by the sun’s sadism.

Of course, as the sky grew dark, so did the land below it. 

_ Cruel. _

No matter how harsh something was, it didn’t change the day cycle. Everything at night was dark. Everything at night was bathed in that familiar shadow.

The night was a cruel bitch, and so was the moodiness that came along with it. It was crueller than the worst human being. Nothing could change it, and it’d be foolish to even dream of changing it.

A crater, though, always appeared the darkest.

Swift dancing shadows along the blown apart edges, the smoke puffing around and obstructing any clear view, not to mention the debris.

It was everything and nothing.

It was the sharp bite of the blast impact, it was the scattered dust cluttering so thickly that it threatened to choke, it was the memories. It was the memory of flashes, and blood, and bright red. It was memories of a slowing pulse and dull eyes. It was the memory of loss, of everything that one could ever possibly care about being torn away.

And Tommy could  _ feel  _ that. When he saw the crater where his temporary home had been, he didn’t see merely a hole. He saw L’Manberg, blown apart after while Dream and his friends stood by, shrieking in joy at their “victory”. He saw the final control room- five chests, four dark walls, two pearly white eyes, and one distinct explosion. He saw L’Manberg again- this time, looking even worse. He saw his brother being impaled. He saw everything he had worked for being turned to dust.

One time, an expected enemy- the next two were betrayals… and this time, it had looped back around to the perpetrator being the first enemy, but this time, it had been twisted into a betrayal.

Or was it really?

Was Tommy the  _ real  _ traitor, here? The one who had gone behind his friend’s back- the one who hadn’t been transparent.

Regardless of who was at fault, all that mattered was that it was gone.

Dream had told him to start over. Dream had said to “start from scratch”. Dream had said he could grow powerful. Dream had said he wouldn’t be coming as often. Dream had… Dream had said…

Dream had been right. Tommy was the one to not put his trust in the only person who had shown him such significant kindness. Dream was a friend…

Dream  _ had  _ been a friend. Tommy wanted Dream to be his friend, but Tommy has fucked up. He had lost the privilege of having someone by his side, and now Dream despised him- just like everyone else.

He was gone now, though. He had left. God knows for how long. Did it really matter when-  _ if  _ he’d return?

Tommy had known for awhile he wasn’t going to last much longer. All he had to do was glance down at himself to remember. When he had woke up, he had woke up with the resolution that today would be his last.

So, honestly… this progression of things was for the better, really.

Now he would be leaving nothing behind nothing. No one would miss him now. Not even Dream.

Of course, he was shocked. He spent a long time staring at the remains of the campsite that he had stayed at. He spent a long time staring at the pictures of Tubbo he had managed to grab before Dream blew up his supplies.

But that shock eventually left. Of course this had to happen. Why did he ever believe that he’d get a friend that would stay around? This was bound to happen sooner or later. It always did.

In the wake of that shock, there was nothing. Just a pit of dreadful neutrality; a draught where he expected a fountain of his own misery.

This was for the better, after all. Now all he had to do was move forward with his plans. The only thing stopping him was himself.

He found himself looking over at the portal, now broken. Dream had told him he wasn’t allowed to go in, or at least not anytime soon. But it was okay- after all, Tommy was sure that Dream would be happy with his decision once it was all said and done.

Tommy turned around once more, before hastily scrambling down into the crater, shoving aside the destroyed remains of the campsite. Dream had burned most of the things that hadn’t been bust apart in the explosion, but he naturally couldn’t get  _ everything _ .

Amidst the charred and dented supplies, he found a piece of obsidian and a hardly-functional flint and steel. It was all he needed, though, really.

He wasted no time in returning to the portal. He put it back together, relying on pure muscle memory to return it back to it’s intact state. The flint and steel was difficult to work, but after a few tries, he managed to get a good spark out of it that lit up the portal in a vibrant swirling purple.

The moment the portal woke up, Tommy wasted no time in stepping inside.

The world around him twisted and contorted, and the dim lit landscape home turned to vibrant, hellish reds and oranges. 

Ideally, he could’ve had his discs on him. It might be symbolic, y’know? He’d go with the things he had been fighting for as long as he could clearly remember. But he knew he didn’t have the luxury of a symbolic death. After all, the chest containing the discs that he had was blown up as well.

Tommy walked along the netherrack, approaching the lava lake that he remembered so clearly. As he made his way onto the bridge he had so foolishly put together, he found himself in a spot that he had been in many times before in the last few weeks.

Even from so high up, he could feel the warmth on his face. Or maybe that was just the general heat of the Nether. Either way, it was… nice in a way. The night was so cold; not freezing, but chilly enough to cause shivers.

Here, everything was warm. Everything was burning and bubbling with life. Even when it was quiet there, everything was loud. If the night sky was millions of small, far-away voices screaming to be noticed, the Nether was where they could speak up.

For now, though, all that mattered was the lava.

Tommy could imagine it so clearly in his mind’s eye. A small, pathetic plummeting shape, unseen by everyone as it hit and vanished between the bubbly surface below.

What he couldn’t imagine, though, was how it’d feel for himself. Would it be quick, or would he slowly sink into the thick magma, his skin and bones turning into nothing? Would it be like a warm pair of arms enveloping his entire body, or like a pack of dogs ripping him limb from limb? Maybe it wasn’t even comparable to any other feeling.

Tommy buried his hand in his pocket, taking out a crumpled picture of his best friend. Maybe ex-best friend. 

He stared at it. Behind it was the fiery lake, while the face of the paper was shadowed due to facing away from the light. Tommy was hardly aware of smaller dark circles appearing on the sheet of paper, drying up only seconds after soaking into the picture.

This was it.

He numbly let go of the paper he had clutched in his hands, watching it slowly flutter down. Now it was his turn.

He clenched his fists, his shoulders starting to violently shake. Tears ran down his face, immediately sizzling and drying up. As he stared down, he didn’t notice the heavy thuds of approaching footsteps.

He didn’t notice the sound of his own name being said.

Not at first, at least.

“-mmy. Tommy.  _ To _ -”

As soon as he was aware of his name being called, he swung his head around, feeling a pit of fear. Did he delay for too long?

To be honest, the last thing that he expected was to see the imposing figure of his eldest brother, mid-stride with his hand lifted as if he wasn’t sure what to do with it.

Technoblade freezed in his footsteps when Tommy twisted his head to face him. His expression was completely unreadable.Tommy fucking hated how it was always like that.

“What are you doing?” Techno spoke again, now that he had gotten Tommy’s attention. If Tommy were in a better mood he might’ve laughed at that. After all, wasn’t it pretty apparent.

Tommy swallowed thickly. “Why do you care?” his voice was hoarse, both from his screaming earlier and his crying. 

“Because it’s clear you’re going to do something stupid.” Tommy frowned at that, but wasn’t surprised. Patronization. It was really all he could expect from his brother, after all.

“ _ So _ ? Why does that matter to you?” Tommy bit back more harsh words. It’d be a waste to get into another argument. He wasn’t in the mood to scream. He didn’t have the energy to be angry for what Techno had done to him.

Techno just went silent at his rebuttal. Tommy sneered, turning back to look at the lava lake. Another step.

“Wait,” Techno mumbled. “Why are you doing this?”

Tommy was happy that he wasn’t facing the piglin hybrid. “I’ve been meaning to do it for weeks,” he paused. “There’s nothing left for me.”

“The discs?”

Tommy quirked a smile at the mention of the discs. “Even if I did manage to get them back, then what? Most of the people I know want me dead. Even  _ Dream _ .”

Tommy heard Techno take another step towards him. He readied himself to take a step as well. “What happened with Dream?”

“Blew up Logstedshire and left. Told me to start over. Hates me now because I hid something from him.”

Techno took awhile to respond. “Tommy, don’t do it.”

Tommy just took another step. “Give me  _ one reason _ why, Blade?”

Tommy wanted Techno to respond. He wanted a reason. So, so fucking badly. Still, just as he had expected, Techno went quiet.

“That’s what I thought,” Tommy tensed his shoulders, stepping closer so he was flush against the edge. “Techno, please just…”

He went silent.

“Make sure nothing happens to Tubbo, alright?”

“ _ TOMMY! _ -”

…

Tommy had his eyes squeezed shut, expecting the sharp pain of lava. To his surprise, though, all he felt was warmth around him.

Surely this wasn’t lava, right? Maybe he was already dead-

_ Techno _ ?

He squinted his eyes, managing to see only blue and white clothing and strong arms.

When- when had Techno even gotten this close?

Tommy’s ears were ringing. The world was spinning. What the fuck was happening? Had Techno grabbed him?

Why, why, why, why-

“ _ Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy _ -” he was shut up when he felt his face buried in the crook of Techno’s shoulder. He gripped fiercely onto the back of his cape, his squeezing shut again.

“Tommy,  _ please  _ just-” the instability in Techno’s voice was unfamiliar. He hadn’t heard it in a long, long time. “Never do that again. Never do that. Holy- holy shit, Tommy.”

“I didn’t want you to stop me,” Tommy croaked out. He couldn’t stop shaking.

“I don’t care,” Tommy tried to focus on the sound of Techno’s beating heart. “I don’t care.”

The two went quiet for awhile. Tommy slowly regaining his senses, losing the ringing in his ears, while Techno just stayed there, clutching tightly onto the younger teenager.

“You can come with me,” Techno eventually murmured. “You can stay at my house. We can work together, okay? I’d-” he went quiet for a few seconds. “I’d care if you died, if that means anything.”

Tommy hardly registered Techno’s words.

At least by this point he had enough energy to muster up some anger. “Why should I want to go with  _ you _ ? This is all  _ your  _ fault, at the end of the day,” he spat. His harshness was lessened by the fact that he was clutching onto his brother as if his life depended on it.

“You don’t have to forgive me. I’m not expecting anything like that. But we can work together, right? You can stay at my house. I’ll help you get the discs, you can help me-” he went quiet.

Tommy considered it. He thought about it for awhile. 

His shaking grew less violent, and he breathed deeply, hiding his face under Techno’s head.

“Alright,” he mumbled shakily. “Alright. I’ll go with you.”

Techno seemed to pull him a bit closer at that.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a bit shorter than my others but!!! i just wrote it on a complete whim and burst of motivation :) lemme know if i should continue it or what bc i might consider it tbh


End file.
